I should really start this article off by saying that I’m not writing from experience, I’ve just been using an iPhone for some time now and I’ve become aware of the dual purpose of some of its features. That being said, here is how to cheat and never get caught.
Step 1: Turn the password lock feature on
To turn this feature on, go to Settings> General> Passcode Lock
This feature locks your device so that if anyone tries to use it, they have to enter a 4 digit code that allows them access to the device.
Make sure to enter a 4 digit code that only you know. I tend to use the last 4 digits of an old telephone number that nobody would remember because I had zero friends at the time. The reason you’re doing this is because you have to realize you’re doing something terrible and if you’re caught, you will spend the next 6 months living in a stress-induced nightmare. Don’t let someone snoop and find out something you don’t want them to. When they ask why you have it locked, just say it’s for work. The line is:
“I’m paranoid about coworkers snooping through my phone and seeing the emails where I make fun of them and talk about how much my job sucks.”
Step 2: Make sure SMS preview is off
SMS preview is a feature that will show you the SMS that was just sent to you, allowing you to respond or ignore it right away.
This feature must be turned off because it will ruin you. Imagine this: your phone is sitting on the table while you’re out to dinner with your spouse. A chime rings indicating a text has come through and you both stare at the phone out of habit. The preview comes up and says “thanks for last night but my thighs are KILLING me.” How are you going to explain that? You were supposed to be studying last night with friends. Turn the SMS preview off by doing the following:
Settings> General> Passcode Lock> Show SMS Preview> Off
Step 3: Never keep his/her name saved in contacts
You’re going to inevitably get calls from the person you’re cheating with so don’t bother saving their number. If someone sees the caller ID the jig is up. When you’re dating, you’ve introduced your spouse to your whole social network and anyone new is going to arouse suspicion. Just avoid it and don’t answer the call if spies are listening.
Step 4: Have a good excuse about why you ignored the call
When you get a call, you’re going to have to ignore it if you’re in the company of either your spouse or cheating partner. When you ignore a call, have some reason that doesn’t make you look guilty. Here are some examples:
“I can tell it’s work related and I’m not interested.”
“I really don’t feel like interrupting our hang out.”
“I’m just being lazy. If it’s important they’ll leave a message.”
Step 5: First one in last one out (FILO)
If things are looking like they’re starting to fall apart, ABORT. The rule is an accounting rule but it applies here: “first one in, last one out.” Save yourself an incredible amount of pain and shame and tell the person you’re cheating with that you think it’s time to end it. Tell him/her that it’s just not working out and never tell anyone about you did. Keep this whole charade a secret until you die. Actually, just before you die tell 1 person. You’re dead so who cares right?
